Tricks and Tips

Many times a person will resort to chicanery to try to fool us. After all who wants to get a ticket if they can avoid it by whatever means necessary? Some of the ways people attempt to fake us out will be discussed here. But rest assured we’re on to all of these methods.


1) Rolling the tires. Marking a tire let's us know whether you have moved your vehicle before the allotted time on the sign expires (10 minutes, 30 minutes, 1 hour, 2 hours, 3 hours, 4 hours! This is getting ridiculous!). If you wipe the mark off, that’s a big no-no for which, if you are caught, you’ll have to go to court. If you roll your car forward or backward to conceal the mark, we will see it. We will crawl on all fours if we have to to find that damned mark. Then again, sometimes we mark the tires in a different way. And no, I’m not telling you what that way is. Nyah

2) Leaving an old ticket envelope on the windshield. Some people think that if they leave the envelope on their windshield from the ticket they got last week that we are so lazy we won’t get out of our vehicles to check. Well, some of my colleagues might not – they ARE incredibly lazy – but I will! If the ticket looks faded, dirty, wrinkled, wet or any other way that makes it appear not so fresh (you know the feeling, don’t you?), we will look to see if you are trying to scam us. Recently, I opened an envelope only to find not a ticket in there but an old, blackened banana peel. How bizarre, I thought. Perhaps the person was trying to cultivate a large, black cloud of fruit flies that would attack me the minute I disturbed their resting place. Who knows? It didn’t work by the way. I gave them a new ticket. How I chuckled.

3) Notes. People will leave us notes of varying types: “Car won’t start,” “Battery Dead,” “Can’t move it – tow truck coming today.” Or simply “Please don’t ticket” P-shaw. We know you are either too lazy to get up and move it or you were too lazy (or drunk) last night to try and find a better spot that wasn’t in the sweeper zone. Maybe you’re off visiting Grandma in another state (and frankly, I don’t care what state your grandmother is in). When several vehicles mysteriously have dead batteries on the same street on sweeper day, we get awfully suspicious. It’s worse than being back in elementary school. “Little Johnny can’t move his car today. He’s sick. Signed Little Johnny’s Mother.”

If only I had a portable car crusher….

Ten-Seven

Being Outed

Greetings fellow citizens! Happy New Year and all that. I know it's February already but I've been a lazy correspondent of late. You're probably wondering what I mean by the title of this piece. It's not what you're thinking. I wanted to talk a little bit about being outside all day. I don't like it.

Outside you are constantly at the whims of Mother Nature (and we know how she can be). Some days it's too hot, some it's too cold. I like "conditioned" air, a roof over my head when it rains, being sheltered from high winds, away from the dangerous UV rays of the sun, etc. I like being able to get up from my desk, stretch my legs and walk over to the snack machine (damn, there's NEVER anything good in this thing. On top of that, some of the bad things you're trying to buy get stuck and don't fall. But I digress). I've worked in many office settings and a Jeep Wrangler is a poor substitute for an office, I can tell you. For one thing, it's cramped. I've been more comfortable stuffed into the seats of some carnival rides. You feel every bump in the road in those things too (I mean the Jeep). I swear sometimes it feels like you know when you've gone over a painted line! The sight lines are terrible too (It doesn't help that we are driving on the "wrong" side of the vehicle - the better way to mark tires - well, no, it's the ONLY way). And speaking of marking tires, just try to hang your arm out the window of one of these monsters and reach all the way down to a cars tires. Not easy, I assure you and I have the bruises to prove it. Not to mention being choked by the shoulder belt. I thought those things are in there to help!

Anyway, you also run into (not literally with the Jeep) all kinds of people you'd rather not see. With the evil people you can understand why we don't want to see them, but even the nice people who just want to chat or ask us a question, all they do is stop our progress. We're like Greta Garbo. We vant to be alone. (For those of you under 50 who are reading this, you might have to Google her). And then the Desk will send us somewhere just as we're getting somewhere else to do something else - take your pick: lunch, bathroom break, pick up the marks we put down, goof off, etc. No, I really don't like being outside all day.

On the other hand though, there are some nice things about it. We drive around the city unsupervised all day which means if I have to stop in at the post office (you remember what THAT is, right?) and buy some stamps, I can do so. I can also go to my favorite frozen yogurt place (I'd mention their name but only if they'll throw some money my way for the plug), or drop in on the local pharmacy and pick my meds (this job, I tell ya, makes me need more and more meds).

In addition to that, for the last few days, I've seen the large flock of wild parrots that nests around town. They are noisy as hell but it's quite a sight to see the whole flock flying around. They're a beautiful green. In fact they look like flying pistachio nuts, if nuts had wings. (Here, I'd like to put in a word for a documentary called "The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill." If you haven't seen this film, you're in for a treat. Rent it today. What are you waiting for?) You also see some other beautiful sights. A few months back we had a hell of a rain storm and there was a gigantic double rainbow in the sky afterwards. Makes you feel like a kid just looking at it. And something else that makes you feel darned good is seeing all the pretty girls. This place being close to Los Angeles means there are lots of beautiful women out there who are or want to be actresses. No complaints about them, even the ones who park badly! There are local merchants who treat us kindly by giving us discounts at their places of business too (man, I'm craving that frozen yogurt right about now).

So, in all I guess it's just like everything else. There is a balance to it. Some bad stuff and some good. You never know how your day is going to be. Block off a street for several hours because of a fire or flirt with the girl in the yogurt store? Hm. I wonder if they still have the key lime sorbet?

Ten-seven

Buddy, Can You Spare a Quota?

Hi everyone,

Well, here we are. Another Christmas season come and gone (Whew!). And am I ever glad. Although this particular Christmas wasn't too terrible, it had its share of people who made me feel I don't know what the spirit of the season is and I don't want to know! It seems that as soon as we hit December 1st, it is now the "Holiday Season" and we should refrain from giving tickets (a refrain I'm getting pretty sick of hearing). This time, Christmas week wasn't so bad, as I said, but New Year's Week - oh, brother. New Year's Day falls on a Sunday this year (coincidentally, so do I), and the city takes off on Monday. That means there is no street sweeping, trash collection and such. But person after person I encountered this week seemed to believe that New Year's Day started today (Friday) and their violations shouldn't count somehow. Many people demanded that I "do the right thing" and let them go. I found this very annoying. I was doing the right thing! Just ask my boss! It's the whiny entitlement aspect of it all I find so frustrating. "There's a holiday a few days from now so you should let me go today." Please. Go change your diaper. You stink.

Oh yeah, as to the title of this post: one lady I cited for the sweeper going around her vehicle got in my grill big time insisting that we must have a quota and I'm just doing this to fill that requirement, blah blah blah. I actually started feeling myself getting angry at this... person. I told her to go ahead and call the chief of police and ask him (he loves having his time wasted answering questions about parking control). We don't have a quota, we don't need a quota. A quota would only slow us down.

Okay, I understand. Times are tough; money's tight. But that means we as citizens have to take even more responsibility to make sure we are doing the right thing. It's cheaper, for one, and it creates better karma. I had one guy accuse me of being a robot. You know, just unemotionally giving him the ticket. I wish. It would be a hell of a lot easier on me (I'm so delicate) if I was emotionless. I think the Vulcans have it right sometimes. So, we're damned if we do and damned if we don't. ...Damn.

Have a happy 2012 and, to paraphrase Admiral What'shisname, Screw the Mayans, full speed ahead!

Ten-Seven

Don't egg me on

Well, fellow citizens, I was having a pretty good day up until late this afternoon. I had just taken my vehicle to the car wash that we use and then decided to go check out a trouble spot that I am aware of in my beat. Who knew it would be more trouble than I bargained for? I got to the street and what did I find? One in the red zone on one side and another by the hydrant on the other side. Jackpot! So, I parked in the middle lane (we can do this), put my flashers and overhead lights on, and got out - carefully. I cited the one in the red, then I cross the wide boulevard to go over to cite the one by the hydrant. I'm looking down to get the plate when I hear: Booossshhh!

I look up to discover that someone has thrown an egg at my vehicle striking the windshield on the left side. Fortunately we drive looking out on the right side. But I mean, I had just gone to the car wash! I couldn't believe it! I did not see who threw the potential chicken as they must have done it from a car and sped off. I was more bummed than pissed. I also realized it could have been worse in a couple of ways:
Way 1 - they could have thrown it at me!
Way 2 - they could have thrown a rock.

One of the cops later told me, "Good thing it wasn't a bullet." I hadn't thought of that. Thanks.

The windshield washer and wipers were fairly ineffective, so back to the car wash I went. They cleaned it up all right, however, the inside of the vehicle smelled like cooked eggs the rest of the day. Not pleasant really.

This is the first time this has happened to me in all the time I've been on this job. Is it any wonder I'm ready to retire?

10-7

Whaddya Know?

There are two things that drive me, Officer X, completely nuts when I’m out there writing tickets. Let’s say I catch somebody in a red zone (I wish you people would stop feeding my pet peeve already! He’s big enough as it is). When I pull up along side them to chase them out (which is not what I prefer to do but hey, Lieutenant’s orders) and I say to them “You can’t stop in the red (I respectfully leave out the word - asshole)” they will say one of two things in response. (No. Guess again. No. Okay, let me tell you.) They will say either, “I know.” To which I will generally say “You know but you did it anyway?” leaving out the word I’d love to scream, or they say “Oh, I didn’t know.” Really? You didn’t know? You have a driver’s license but you didn’t know that you can’t stop, stand or park in the friggin’ red? Wow, you really are an asshole then aren’t ya? Red means NO pretty much everywhere in the universe except maybe Mars. Is that where you’re from?


Sometimes I’ll ask them if they indeed have a driver’s license. Hey, you never know. When they start to say something again, I usually just chase them out with sharp words and mean looks (It’s fun. Try it sometime.) because I really do not want to hear their mealy-mouthed excuses.

The red can be stopped in if it’s an emergency. An emergency. A real one. Not something you decide is an emergency. The list is endless of what people think is an emergency so I’ll spare you. Sometimes, if I can remember and I am not crabby from not having eaten, I’ll ask the person if they are having car trouble. If they say yes then my whole demeanor changes. I actually do want to be helpful to people who can use my help. After all, with my trusty police-issued radio, I can summon policemen, firemen, ambulances, you name it. Well, ice cream men maybe not. But if they are not having car trouble and are just being stupid, then I go crazy behind my phony smile. I tell you, it’s tough on my back teeth. I’m grinding them down to nubs.

So please, if I ask you about being stopped in the red or any other of the dozens of parking infractions that you are doing or about to be doing, don’t say “I know” or “I didn’t know.” It makes me insane. Ya know?

Ten-Seven

Another turkey move

People, people, people. Come on. Oh, pardon me, hello citizens. Today I'd like to discuss a bone-headed move by one of you in my little town. You know who you are and if it's not you, then don't do this okay?

I was doing my 8AM sweeper route and came across a car (a Benz, no less) in the sweeper zone that had no rear plate. Or so I thought. This is a drag because it means I have to get out of my vehicle. It's cold, I was listening to something interesting on the radio, why piss me off?

Okay, so I get out to read the VIN (vehicle identification number - to say "VIN number" is redundant and I won't do it), and what do I discover? He or she had left the front plate on the car. I went around to the back and found that she (turns out it was a woman's car. Still it could have been a male driver. Who knows how relationships go these days and what with our community property laws in California, you know...) had put a dealer plate OVER her rear plate to cover up the fact that it was more than six months out of date. Tsk, tsk, tsk. If you're not going to register your car, don't park it illegally in some other way! Duh!

So, the final verdict was this: I cited her for the sweeper violation. I cited her for the expired tags, AND I cited her for covering her plate. Three for the price of one! I know this sounds harsh but really I could have towed her car away and as you know, that can run into big money.

So this Thanksgiving, I hope she was thankful that I was so nice to her. But I'm betting she was not.

Digest this (and your turkey) well.

10-7

You're a 10 (code)

As promised, my dear citizens, here are the 10 codes used by our local force (and also by us. We can’t use force). I probably shouldn't be publishing these because they are after all, codes. But, if Julian Assange can do it, what the hey.


10-1 = Receiving Poorly (This does not refer to your favorite football team)

10-2 = Receiving OK (Good hands)

10-4 = Check; OK (Well, we all know this one from the CB craze in the 80’s, which we’d just as soon forget, or if you’re old enough, from Broderick Crawford in Highway Patrol. I do not remember this.)

10-5 = Relay (I have no friggin’ idea what this means and I’ve never heard anyone say this on the radio. Maybe in a race.)

10-6 = Busy (Could be busy doing anything so don’t bother me now. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)

10-7 = Out Of Service (This restaurant stinks. Let’s go eat somewhere else)

10-8 = In Service (I’m available for calls. Said reluctantly by most PCO’s.)

10-9 = Repeat, Conditions Bad (I couldn’t hear you with the rock station in my vehicle turned up so high)

10-10 = Out of Service, Subject to Call (Huh? I thought I was out of service. What the -?)

10-13 = Weather Condition (People usually just say it’s raining)

10-14 = Escort (And she’s better be over 18)

10-15 = Suspect in Custody (Thankfully, we’d never say this.)

10-16 = Pick Up Prisoner @ ______ (We never pick anyone up [unless they’re over 18])

10-17 = Pick Up Papers (You slob)

10-19 = Return to Station (And I mean it. Don’t make me ask again. Sometimes we say this if we are, you know, going back to the station. It’s nice there)

10-20 = What is Your Location (Honestly, some people are so nosy)

10-21 = Call __________ by Phone (Not unless you tell me who!)

10-22 = Disregard (Fuggedaboudit!)

10-23 = Stand by (No one EVER says 10-23. It’s easier just to say Stand By. How silly to make a code for this)

10-28 = Full Registration (No, not at a hotel. We say this to get the info on a car we might be citing, like whether it’s registered or not [That year tab looks fake to me])

10-29 = Check for Wanted (In other words, can you see if this vehicle is stolen? If so, I’m outta here)

10-33 = Emergency Information (I’d never say this. I’d be too busy screaming)

10-35 = Confidential Information (I guess I’d better not tell you what this means)

10-36 = Time Check (Look at your watch you lazy bastard!)

10-42 = Officer @ Home (Yep, and that’s where I’m stayin’)

10-97 = Arrived @ Scene (Hey man, I’m always on the scene baby)

10-98 = Completed Last Detail (Not the movie with Jack Nicholson. It means I’m done with what you just had me do…and now I’m going back home. Quit bothering me)

That’s all of them. Aren’t you glad you now know all this? I expect every one of you to commit these to memory. Heaven knows I can’t.

10-7 (I think)